suddenly have the urge to blog soooo, heh. :)
can't seem to fall asleep in such late hours, i don't know why. something's bothering me.
i used to have friends to talk to, but now, i don't know.
i know, i know they'll be there whenever i need them. but.. sighh.
usually, i'm the one listening. listening to what they're going through. just listen, or even sharing mine. but, i don't remember me starting conversations like this. i don't know how. and since don't know when, this conversation never seems to exist anymore. and, everything i'm thinking is just within me. not even blogging about it.
but seriously, i like writing. i like writing everything that's in me. i'm not that type of person who likes to keep secrets. i have no secrets. i don't mind telling everything out. but who, who else would listen to me. i used to have that best friend. the one who talks to me what he's going through, what's troubling him. and i'll tell everything to him too. whenever something's bothering me, whenever my heart feels like there's a thousand stones in it, i know who to look for. i know that someone will be there. but somehow, things aren't the same anymore.
i know i sound miserable. but no, there's friends around me. i still go out almost everyday, playing, chatting. but if anyone really knows me. i like better to have a best friend. or maybe a gang who i could hang out with every single day, gossiping and so on. than to hang out with different kind of friends, and when i'm home, i'm alone. talking to walls, or myself. oh oh, and..i like making conversations myself you know. imagining someone's there and i'm talking to them. seriously.
maybe i'm going too far, but this is what i'm thinking for now. it's 3am in the morning, what do you expect, it's an emo hour yo!
i'm tired, i'm tired of looking for true friends. i don't know, i don't know which to trust. i used to have this very tough moment. few months back, being back stabbed from people i never expect. i used to tell them everything. anddd, i don't know. i don't like people not telling me anything. seriously, friends like that could tell me, tell me what's going on. who knows maybe there's some misunderstanding in between. if it was few years back, i would not even care about this, not talking about dropping a tear. but since don't know when, i found myself weaker. weaker than ever. i could treat them as an enemy. but it seems like, i've gone way to deep. i have became soooo, fairytale-ish. i realize i like the way how friends last forever, how back stabbing doesn't exist. and i used to believe, that it could really be real between us. that last forever, it could happen. but maybe i'm wrong, i don't know.
i know, things are now normal again. but to me, how can i still believe that friends forever really do exist between us. what if something like that happens again. and not talking about putting all my heart in this friendship. i remember how the way he talks behind my back. so he thinks i couldn't hear? i'm not like the rest. i'm not that kind of person who would say thank you haters, you made me stronger. i'm more like that kind of person saying why? after all this, this is what i deserve from you? all those talks, those love, still, back stabbing? i'm scared, very scared. i don't know what to do. i went home crying loudly for more then 2 hours. like a baby, or worse. EVER SINCE KINDERGARTEN. this is my first time, ever first, being so insulted. you used to be so kind, so nice. you said i doesn't care about your feelings, but i do, i really do. why don't you try listening to others? there's always an explanation for everything. to me, you're the one being cruel. to me, you're the one that's changing. to me, you're the one who doesn't care about my feelings. how could you say you're right and i'm wrong.
people say i think too much. but somehow, i can't stop thinking. i used to be a very normal person back then, and a happy one. laugh when i want to, cry when i want to, not talking when i'm tired, non stop talking when i'm really happy, and have alot alot of plans with all my friends. like standard 6. :) i had alot of fun, really. knowing alot of friends. playing all over. and msn-ing for the whole night. but reading my old posts, i never knew i'm -.- like a fucking idiot. but remembering back then, it was a really good year.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUTTTTT? WHY SO EMO? HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW? I'M TIRED I'M TIRED I'M TIRED I'M TIREDDDDD! SO MUCH TO SAY, NO ONE TO TALK TO, YES MAN. WHERE ARE YOU. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FRIENDS NOW? FINE MAN, BYE. BYE YOU STUPID HEAD. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY, WHY LEAVING ME ALONE. I HAVE NO FRIENDS. NO FRIENDS AT ALL. NO ONE KNOWS ME. NO ONE CARES. IM MEANT TO BE ALONE.
omg what am i doing. i wanna cry man. seriously, my heart's too heavy. i don't know how much longer i could endure. someone, please talk to me. :(
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M AN ORDINARY PERSON. SEE MAN, SEE.
i like reading sinchan comics, it always makes me feel better. but i can't now, cause i've finished it. i like staying out from home. i like having heart-to-heart talks, it makes me feel like i'm trustworthy. i like ice creams and drinks or cookies in green tea flavor. :D i like eating spicy foods. i like it when i finish a homework or something i've did myself. i like myself after i exercise. i like to lie on my bed reading. i like to talk but sometimes i prefer not to. i like seeing a gang of happy friends walk by. i like sitting on a bench, looking at interesting things happening around. i like it when people smiles back. i like it when people says hi. i like it when people laugh for my jokes. i like listening to sad songs. i like singing when there's lyrics on. i like romantic stuffs. i like rainbow and clouds. i like stars more. i like jay chou and every song of his. i like sky blue, white and baby pink. i like watching meaningful movies. i like doing things i've never tried. i like exploring. i like going to people's house. i like helping people. i like money. i like swings. i like doing dangerous stuffs but i don't want to die. i like hugs and hand shaking. i like dreaming and also day-dreaming. i like to be serious and get things done. i like it when my friends make me feel like a family. i like it when everyone's in a circle. i like to make friends. i like it when someone believes me. i like blue eyes and hot guys. i like parties. i like sleepovers. i like to get high. i like to be drunk. i like chit-chatting for a very long time. i like holidays. i like the saturdays. i like free stuffs.
i don't like being blamed. i don't like being scold for no effing reason. i don't like bugs. i don't like eating intestines. i don't like prawns. i don't like doing house chores. i don't like cleaning up alone. i don't like being neglected. i don't like being pushed. i don't like it when people give me things they don't want. i don't like people not trusting me. i don't like people assuming me. i don't like being irresponsible. i don't like scolding people. i don't like it when my friends keep everything to themself. i don't like newspaper. i don't like hot weather. i don't like it when everything's undone. i don't like to be alone. i don't like cats. i don't like nightmares. i don't like being lazy. i don't like bad guys. i don't like cruel people. i don't like people who don't apologize. i don't like people being proud. i don't like people who never cares. i don't like seeing my friends being hurt. i don't like it when i can't help. i don't like break ups. i don't like farewell. i don't like dota. i don't like racism. i don't like jealousy. i don't like selfishness. i don't like arguments. i don't like high expectations. i don't like disappointment. i don't like rushing. i don't like last minute. i don't like being dirty. i don't like my things getting spoil. i don't like people throwing my stuffs. i don't like people that don't appreciate. i don't like arrogant people. i don't like opinionated people. i don't like being suspected. i don't like being ignored. i don't like losing stuffs and money. i don't like crumbled books. i don't like people dirtying my stuffs. i don't like people who doesn't listen to explanations. i don't like being underestimated. i don't like dogs barking at me. i don't like clinics and hospital.
I'm afraid. i'm afraid of being alone. i'm scared when i have no where to go. i'm scared when everyone's having fun and i'm alone. i'm scared when no one tells me what to do when i don't know. i'm scared when my best friend leave me behind. i'm afraid of being lost. i'm afraid of losing important things of mine. i'm afraid when i have no one to rely on. i'm afraid when i have no transport home. i'm afraid to be alone in the dark. and i'll cry whenever i'm afraid.
YAY FINALLY!
I'M GETTING TIRED! :D
and not that moodless already.
okay, nights bloggy.
i forget what i named you, hehe. :P
goodbye, sweet dreams.
xoxo. :)
4.27am.
finished.
all the feelings deep inside me.
i'll be back.
how i wish there'll be wishing stars tonight. :)
*everything will be fine, like kindergarten, like before.
